Wow! 3 months since my last post. A whole lot of things have gone on since then, mostly not good, and there has been a lot of soul searching going on.
In my very first blog post Welcome I wrote about my reasons for starting this blog, and what I was hoping to achieve. About my first small house that I adored, and never really wanted to leave, and how much I hate this house that I now live in, and all that is symbolises and has come to mean. My next post listed how I planned to achieve my dream in My ‘To Do’ List!!, with short term goals of learning, medium term goals of building, and long term goals of living life to the full.
Some of those things remain the same, but I have actually realised that the way in which I hope to achieve them has altered dramatically, and has actually been staring me in my stubborn face all this time. My original plan was always to stay in this house, and build my tiny house in the garden slowly but surely as finances would allow. Then to find somewhere to locate it, and then to finally start living tiny, handmade, healthily and happily. I’ve spent many hours talking with friends about my house situation. The fact that I struggle to make ends meet, that I am beholden to my ex husband for as long as I am here, and will be forced to sell the house if ever I dare to re-marry or co-habit with someone – ie, if I ever form a meaningful relationship again. And the pure and simple fact that I have never liked the house, and still don’t. It drains me. It drains my energy, and it drains any spare money that I may possibly have.
This has been really brought home to me in the last couple of days when my mortgage company sent me a letter, with just over a week to go until Christmas, saying that I was in arrears on my mortgage by over £500, and that it needed to be settled by the end of the month. This came entirely as news to me, as it was the first that I had heard about it, and threw me into a real spin, as I only just manage to keep us afloat as it is, without having to find that extra money from somewhere. It was actually the straw that broke the camels back. I have cried. A lot. I feel like the situation is pretty hopeless, desperate and pathetic. I am fighting tooth and nail to hold onto a house that I don’t actually want to be in. I forego hair cuts for me and the boys so that I can fix the leaking plumbing. I buy clothes for myself at charity shops and jumble sales so that I can make the dodgy electrics safe. I scrimp and save and make do and mend and bodge my way through, just so that we can stay in this house. And why?????? Just because. No other reason than ‘because’. I’ve always managed to persuade myself that it is worth staying here because the massive garden will allow us to grow our own food, and keep hens and ducks, and experience lots of the things that we want. But at what cost?
And then I had an epiphany. A light bulb moment. A vision. Whatever you wish to call it. But all of a sudden I realised the answer.
I have always refused to sell the house because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to afford to buy anywhere else, and that I would end up back in the perpetual circle of renting. I would never be able to afford to buy this house back again, even in its current sorry state. I wouldn’t be able to afford to buy my old house back. I probably couldn’t afford to buy anything with any outside space, and was that important? Really? And then I realised that I would actually be able to afford to buy somewhere. It would be small, and basic, but I could actually afford to buy something. A tiny home. And it would be MY tiny home. For me, and my boys. Mine. And when I started to look I found that I could possibly even find somewhere that would allow me to be mortgage free! That possibility is totally amazing!!!
So there we are. 2017 is going to be my year. It is going to be my year to actually start my new life, and I am so excited to do it x